There Are No Days Wasted:
Alone Finding My Inner Artist Again
April 2, 2024
Flower Study with the Pentax 645 on Porta 400
Recently, I have been stuck in my house—literally—for three months to be exact.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to take a break, get out of my house, live my life, and do all the things that I’ve always wanted to do, step-by-step. It was going wonderfully until my trusty steed officially kicked the bucket. My car died, and with it, my dreams of starting the year off right. Now, I was stuck at home. I saw this unfortunate event as a hidden blessing to make investments toward my future. That belief kept me afloat for some time, but as the weeks dragged on, my cozy home became suffocating.
I started to fall back into old patterns, became grouchy, constantly doom-scrolled on socials, and lay in bed for hours. My sole interaction with the outside world was at night, stealing away to the gym and back in a borrowed family car. My mind was slowly rotting away. Though I may be exaggerating how hard my situation may have been (truthfully others have it way worse), my body and mind were unraveling. I have always been independent, but having to relinquish that independence even temporarily and depend on others and their belongings to conduct my business was truly limiting.
I’ve never been the one to be cooped up in the house. I adore spontaneity, driving aimlessly, and exploring wherever my feet lead me. Now, I was confined to my house for hours on end. Even walking around my neighborhood failed to ease the restlessness. What I really wanted was to just do something, anything! My creative brain was losing its momentum. I felt like every day I spent indoors or unproductive was a waste. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Little by little, I started cultivating different forms of art to satiate my creative needs, maintain my sanity, and to keep creative ideas flowing.
My plant baby on Pentax 645 with Porta 400
Fast forward now and I have a gorgeous new car (Yippee!), along with new ideas that will take me farther in my journey than I ever thought three months prior. I thought I'd take a moment to share some of the lessons I've learned:
You are always creating.
I thought being outside and exploring the world made me a creative go-getter. Perhaps the exaggerated hype of social media hustle had influenced my perception. I believed I needed to concoct grand plans to fulfill my creative cravings. It turns out that’s not true. While everything is not how I envisioned, I discovered ways to stay inspired- ways that I was too scared to explore due to a fear of starting and failing. I embraced other creative outlets, such as drawing, experimenting with oil pastels, setting up a mini studio. I realized creating doesn’t have to be one form at a time. I can explore anything at anytime. I forgot that for so many years, but thank God I found it again.
No days are ever wasted.
Even though it may have felt that way, I have NEVER wasted any of my days indoors. I allowed my days of rest fuel future ideas that are even closer to what I wanted the world to see. Despite not being physically productive, I managed to resolve issues that ultimately helped me navigate through some difficult emotions. I consider that time well spent.
Fun little oil pastel drawing
3. Look inside yourself and you’ll find what you truly need.
First and foremost, I'm an artist—always have been, always will be. I rediscovered passions I had neglected for years due to my perfectionism, fear of failure, craving for validation, and habit of comparing myself to others. However, I've learned to trust my inner artist and prioritize its desires versus the expectations of others. I began creating for myself, rediscovering my love for simply being an artist again.
4. Start it and finish it.
Staring at a blank page can be daunting. The uncertainty of where to start and doubts about my ideas often held me back from trying anything. “What if my idea is horrible? What if it doesn’t turn out right? Why bother if it won’t work out anyway?” I grew so tired of being my own worse critic. So, I figured let’s just start small and finish it in one go. I created a little something just for me, and you know what? I loved it! I felt freeing to create without seeking approval from anyone but myself.
5. It's not laziness or lack of motivation, but fear.
I’ve owned this book “How To Be An Artist” by Jerry Saltz, for a while and each small chapter has been helpful to shaping the person I envision myself being. There is a wonderful quote which states, “ Know what you hate. It’s probably you.” Funny enough, That’s the whole chapter. It makes me laugh but he’s not entirely wrong. I realized I’m not unmotivated or lazy; I’m just scared and began hating myself for not trying. I hated myself for having these grand ideas and then letting myself down in the end. I had to come to terms with being the only person letting myself down-the only person stopping the little girl that always dreamed of being an artist from shining. I couldn’t do that anymore. So, I kept my head up and slowly continue to nourish myself.
If you’re still reading this then, oh my god, that’s so sweet, thank you! In all seriousness, trusting yourself, your talents, your potential can be overwhelming at times. Taking the necessary small steps towards your dreams to become the person we aspire to be can be challenging. But I’m committed to move forward with the best of my ability, embracing my creativity along the way. I sincerely hope you are able to do the same.
Let’s get to it!
P.S. Here are some more photos of my creative journey alone at home.
ok. bye